Before I can even remember, I have wanted to be a mom. I always knew that I wanted LOTS of kids. I never put an exact number on "lots" but I knew I wanted more than 2 (just so you know, I have NO idea how many we will end up with, but I would sure like to have at least one more). I knew from an early age about breastfeeding, mostly because I watched my mom as she nursed my brother and sister (12 and 9 years younger than me, respectively). I remember learning about child development and the benefits of nursing your babies, and I most remember every chance I got to do more research and learn more about it I took the opportunity. Throughout high school and college, I did paper after paper after project on breastfeeding, and I knew when I became a mom that was something that I would STRIVE to accomplish.
When I got pregnant with Kaylee I read more, and talked to friends of mine who were nursing moms, I sat straight up in our child birth class when the subject of nursing was being presented (that was about the only thing that I listened to in that class). I learned quickly that having a "support" system is probably one of the most important tools to successful breastfeeding. Marcus and I talked before we conceived Kaylee about this topic, and I was thrilled when he was fully onboard with my decision and I knew that he would support me to the best of his ability. I just never knew how much support it would take. And I thank God that my husband is not only supportive and interested and most importantly encouraging in my breast feeding journey.
About 5 seconds after Kaylee was born I was asking the nurses if I could nurse her (like I needed their permission, what was I thinking?). I was thrilled when we were successful! She was such a good little "student," eager to eat, would work with me without getting too frustrated, but thats not to say we didnt have our fair share of bumps in the road. I had some serious pain in the first weeks (i wont get too graphic with the details) but it wasnt the pain that was the most difficult, it was the lack of supply. I struggled the ENTIRE time I nursed Kaylee to keep up with her demands. To this day I'm not sure if it was my rookieness, her high demand, or a combination of both, that caused me to struggle to make enough for her. But I made it! Not quite to my goal of 1 year, but I made it! When Kaylee was 9 months old I had to take an unexpected trip to the ER (when we were out of town) and this was the beginning of the end of my supply. It pained me that she had to be given formula to supplement, because all my extra frozen bottles were at home. But after returning home I fought and fought to regain my supply, looking back I think I could have fought harder. I tried taking supplements, pumping, double pumping, frequent feedings, switch nursing, you name it. But at about 10 1/2 months I had to give in and start supplementing her with formula. I cant remember exactly how much formula she had to be given because I was still mixing it with the frozen bottles i had saved up, but I do remember in that last month and a half before she started cows milk I had to buy about 4 cans of formula......and it killed me! I know there are MANY MANY babies that drink formula and turn out fine, that wasnt it for me, it was that I failed! I set my goal to 1 year and I failed, I couldnt make it the last 6 weeks, i couldnt provide for my baby, and I felt like that was my job, and I failed! I did continue to nurse her as much as I could until there was just nothing left. She was 1 year and 4 days the last time that she successfully nursed (successfully being the key word). She definitely tried to nurse for about 2-3 weeks after i dried up, and that made it even harder.
As we all know, the formula didnt kill Kaylee, and she definitely isnt lacking in the weight/ height department or brains for that matter. I finally got over the fact that I didnt reach my goal. But I knew that I would be more determined my second time around. Armed with more knowledge and experience I was very eager to succeed!
When I got pregnant with Ainslee I began more researching. I read for hours about milk supply and how to increase it naturally, and reasons for low supply, and I learned something VERY interesting. My milk supply problems were most likely linked to a disorder i was diagnosed with prior to even becoming pregnant, and I never knew that low supply could be a side effect. But now armed with THAT knowledge, I set out on a mission that I wasnt going to fail at.
About 5 seconds after Ainslee "fell out" I began nursing her (without asking for permission). We didnt have quite as a smooth start as Kaylee and I just 2 years earlier. But after LOTS of help from the lactation department, and then unending support from my husband, we FINALLY got it! We were a team! She knew me and I knew her, we worked together and it worked for us! Now we had our share of set backs too. Low supply being one of them, but this time I was prepared! And the fact that she wasnt as demanding as Kaylee really really helped. I mean, she is over 1 year old, in the 95th percentile for weight, and STILL hasnt taken a bottle more than 6 ounces. My milk sure is some fattening stuff!
Here we are at 1 year and 11 days and I am still nursing her! She has NEVER had an ounce of formula and hasnt had a bottle of cow's milk yet either. My new plan is to have her weaned from bottles before she ever experiences cow's milk. I am currently in the process of trying to use up the 30+ bottles that I have frozen, so our new schedule is fitting us quite nicely. She gets me 2 or 3 times a day and a bottle once. Yep! That's right, that is all she drinks, I mean there are random days where she will take one more bottle (or nursing), but for the most part she only has the 3-4 milk feedings a day.
My nursing road has had its fair share of bumps too. Have you ever heard the saying "dont cry over spilled milk?" Well I do!!! Especially if it is my breast milk! I lost quite a few ounces to some mistakes by relatives (to be remained nameless), and quite a few more when I would make a bottle too big for Ainslee to drink in one feeding.
I realize that one of the reasons why the journey has been so difficult this go around, despite all my knowledge and preventative measures, is when you have 2 children obviously you are stretched (physically and emotionally) in MANY more directions than you are with just one, so it just makes sense that nursing will be more challenging with your second (and subsequent) child(ren). But I wouldnt have it any other way! I will gladly sacrifice whatever it takes for the opportunity to nurse my babies!
Along the way I have also had my share off doubts regarding my self imposed "goal". After about 6 months of nursing Ainslee I said "man I made it half way, I sure hope I can finish". At 8 months I was counting the weeks I until the finish line. At 9 months I was thanking God for each and every chance I got to nurse! At 10 months I was saying "why don't I allow more people to give her bottles? Why haven't I let her away from me like I did with Kaylee?" At 11 months I was chanting "one more month one more month". At 12 months I was kicking myself (pretty hard) for wishing away these precious moments that will be gone in the blink of an eye. At 12 months and 2 days, technically after I reached my goal of nursing to a year, my husband arranges babysitters for BOTH children on Valentine's Day so he and I can have an evening to ourselves without the worry of what time we had to wake up in the morning, I turned it down. I turned it down because although I have met my goal I am exceeding my goal (and because of the small detail that I am not ready to leave her overnight). I have said from day 1 (actually from like day -73 or something like that), that I would not let my child spend the night away from me until I have finished nursing. So I guess that's just another goal I have for myself, I realize that it isn't THAT big of deal to let her stay the night away, especially considering her current schedule, I would only have to pump once maybe twice depending on the timing, but what if she were to need me. What if she wanted to nurse and wasn't there? I'm just not ready, and I will leave it at that. I'm sure soon enough I will be pawning her off on anyone who is willing to take her, but for now she is mine! And at 12 months and 11 days I am saying "I can't believe this is almost over! I wish I could do this forever!" Not in the nasty, gross, nursing my 8 year old kind of way, but the- I wish I could have this feeling for forever sort of way.
And I am thankful not only for the opportunity to nurse my babies but the ability to do so. I am thankful for all the chances I got to sit with each one of my children as they gazed into my eyes with thankfulness and admiration, as they play with my face, stuck their fingers in my mouth and nose, as they lay so happy and content in my arms, the excitement in their face and eyes when they know they are about to get to nurse, as they lay happily on my shoulder after nursing, and the strong bond I have created with each on of my children. And this accomplishment is one of the things I am most proud of!
I have realized after countless hours of sitting, rocking, and nursing my baby that this is
the single most rewarding thing I have EVER done in my life!
and I hope I get to do it again
5 comments:
Hooray for you! Way to go!
I cry over "spilled milk" too - especially when it's MY spilled milk! I had so much pumped and frozen that we had no space in our freezer to stash much else. My neighbor has recently passed away and her daughter graciously offered to store my excess frozen milk in her mother's freezer. Oh, what a blessing! I loaded up a walmart bag - TO THE BRIM - it was probably two gallons of pumped milk, frozen in individually labeled bags...we got a call a few days ago. Neighbors freezer went belly up - and since no one is living there right now, no one knew. The milk all thawed...and got warm...and went REALLY bad. I couldn't handle it. I made T "take care of it." And I just pretend it never happened. Ugh.
I hope you have the opportunity again. Can I just say, this third time around has been the easiest, by far!
You should be so proud at even attempting to nurse, let alone going a year. A year in our part of the country is unheard of:)
Did you find that your PCOS affected supply? I had read/heard from other women saying it had but I didn't have a problem in that area. I had plenty:)
It is a hard sacrifice to make and people just don't understand until they've done it. I've gotten into more tiffs with formula moms when I come off as holier than thou. But honestly, I know a lot of Mom's try, really try, and for whatever reason, physical or financial or whatever, they have to go back to work and lose supply, they have to use formula.
I am really understanding of that.
I am NOT understanding of the people especially WOMEN who just flat out refuse to nurse their babies even for a month or so for the colostrum and benefits from mother's milk.
Don't get me started...
But I nursed Maggie well into her 2nd year. But of course, you have to remember when I say "nurse" I mean for comfort. I had very little milk if any and it was usually at naptime or when she was sick or upset.
Good job, Mama!
Way to go, Michele! You are amazing and inspiring. And I, too, cry over my spilled milk.
Never commented but had to on this one!
That's awesome! WTG!
I nursed all 3 of mine and certainly would have cried over spilling milk too LOL! I never thought I would nurse my first past 3 or 4 months, but that quickly turned into 1 year and I nursed him until he was 19 months old. I never imagined I would nurse him that long. And I agree with Brenda about even trying. All of it is fantastic! Congrats on hitting the one year mark!
I Love this. I read it earlier but didn'y have time to post a comment. I agree with waht you said about how rewarding it is. It is really the greatest experience! I am so impressed with how long you have gone! SUpermom!
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