Grandma

The beloved matriarch of our family as finally made it home. At the ripe old age of 95 (and 18 days) she was finally able to find the peace she had been searching for.

My grandmother has always been an influential figure in my life. I can hardly put into words the kind of person she was. She had such a kind and gentle soul. She never spoke unkindly about anyone. She was ever so humble and thoughtful. She was the leader of our family, our source of inspiration of faith and love. And she was as sharp as a tack until the day she died, and lived alone without assistance until a few months before her death. I want this post to be a way I can remember and memorialize the woman I loved so dearly!

When we would venture up to St Louis which was between 3 and 6 times a year my top priority was visiting grandma. If the time frame would allow it I would visit as much as possible each trip. I enjoyed listening to her talk. We could sit there for hours just talking. She would catch me up on all the family who was where doing whatever. She was the center of the family!

I have known for, well, forever that she was going to eventually die. Its just a fact of life you live and you die.  But it was strange when it became closer to the end, my brain could not understand what was happening, I couldnt imagine going to St Louis and not seeing her. I knew it was going to happen, but I learned that you can never be prepared for someone so close to you to die. It has been quite an experience not only for myself but for my family as well. When I say family I mean my brothers, sister, and parents, as well as my own little family, but also my entire extended family.

Back in August or September of last year my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She required surgery and hospitalization as well as extensive therapy afterwards. She took it much like she has everything in her life, just an obstacle she has to overcome. And she did! She got through therapy and was able to move back home. She spent her last Christmas surrounded by family in her own apartment, living (for the most part) on her own, with the help of nurses who would come and go, I believe 24 hours a day. Sadly I was not able to spend this precious time with her or the family. Then in January she fell again which landed her back in the hospital where more tests were run and they found cancer, colon cancer to be exact. My grandmother made her decision LONG ago that she did not want medical intervention when the time came for her. In fact, I clearly remember finding her letters stating this scattered throughout her house. I questioned her about them and even attempted to get rid of them a time or too. I didn't like the idea of my grandmother just "giving up". I was young and naïve, and looking back I see the reasoning behind her wishes. But it was hard at a young age to accept her wishes. I was shocked to hear that she agreed to the radiation treatment for her cancer, which by the way doctors had determined had been there for YEARS. So she underwent 2 rounds of radiation just days before her 95th birthday. After speaking with my cousin I learned some of the things she said to him prior to her treatment. My cousin was trying to calm her fears about the treatment when grandma said "I just don't know how they are going to radiate my butt?" my cousin said "well grandma I'm sure they've done it many times before and have figured out the best way." grandma said "I don't know what the treatment will entail" then she laughed and said "I didn't mean that, enTAIL!" she always had a sense of humor! Then my cousin said "grandma I want to make a deal with you. You pray for me while you are up in heaven and I will pray for you while I am down here." grandma agreed to the plan but told him "first I have to ask God a few questions." curiously my cousin asked what her questions could possibly be. My grandma said "I want to ask him what took so long and if he forgot about me!" my cousin chuckled and ensured her that God had a plan for her and there was NO WAY he could have forgotten about her. They went on to discuss what His plan could possibly be.

A few weeks ago my grandmother turned 95 on groundhogs day. I wanted to make the trip to see her for her BIG day, but I knew I couldn't do it alone. So my mom drove up with me and my dad went up a day early in his car and we were able to spend her birthday with her in the hospital. It was a special time, I got to talk with grandma, introduce her to her newest great grand daughter, and listen to what she had to say, and she had a lot to say! What I loved most was seeing how proud she was of Brynlee, she was introducing her to every nurse who came in, and telling them about Kaylee and Ainslee too, it was so sweet. Once again I learned one reason God gave me Brynlee, she has been a source of healing for my heart on more than one occasion. Grandma also told me her fears and the thing that stuck out in my mind was when she said "95 is too old, no one should HAVE to live that long." I didn't want her to have any regrets or fears. I wanted her to be at peace. Even though our trip was short (a mere 35 hours from leaving my moms driveway and arriving in ours), I was EVER so thankful to have spent that special day with my grandma. I was so thankful for all who made the trip possible too, my mom who rode with us in the car and my friend Lindley who not only offered up her house but also kept the big girls for me so I could go to the hospital by myself with out the distractions.

This past weekend we were scheduled to go BACK to St Louis for my mom's side family reunion. Instead of spending the majority of the time with that side of the family it ended up that we were able to spend it all with grandma and my dad's side. We were up at my grandma's nursing home (where she went after being discharged from the hospital) for a total of around 15 hours this weekend. And all three girls were there the entire time with us. At first I thought this would be an impossible feat, and when it was over and I looked back on how long we were actually there I couldnt believe it was that long. The girls were AMAZINGLY well behaved while we were there for hours at a time. I would get to sit by my grandmother's bedside and hold her hand and talk with her. Or when she was sleeping my family and I would sit in her room and just talk. It was so therapeutic and healing for my soul. There were MANY tears shed and stories told and it was an awesome experience. The adults took turns taking care of the SIX little girls (there were 6 girls under six all 2nd cousins once removed).

Grandma wasnt awake for much of the weekend but when she was awake, the memories that were made will stay with me for forever! After a very busy Saturday where there were lots of visitors grandma said to one of her children "please no more parties." Im sure she knew we were all there, and I cant imagine the feeling of knowing you have visitors but not being able to actually visit. I couldnt help but notice that our family was practically the only visitors in the nursing home, most of the people sat in their rooms by themselves, and I remember thinking how strong our family is and how we all wanted to be there for grandma, and the reason was because she made us that way! She was so special, and she brought us all together. With family around her until the moment she died, sometimes there were 15+ people there just to visit her! I just know she left this world understanding just how much she was loved!

Also, on Saturday my dad and his siblings were sitting around the room talking about recipes while my grandmother slept. One of my uncles starting telling this new pork chop recipe when my grandma woke up and started reciting a family pork chop recipe as clear as day. My aunt and uncles were amazed, it was like she was participating in the conversation too. Also, Saturday holds one of the most special moments I have ever shared with my grandma, I was telling her goodbye before I was leaving to go to the family reunion. I went over to her, kissed her forehead, grabbed her hand, and said "goodbye grandma, I will be back tomorrow." She opened her eyes, looked straight at me and said "NO! I want Michele and Marcus." She asked for us by name and wanted us to stay by her bedside. I broke down crying and sat there holding her hand. She would open her eyes every now and then and just look at me. She spoke some asking me quesitons and telling me things. I was so very emotional I dont remember a whole lot of what was said. I do remember her asking in fact begging me "Michele please please please take me home!" I knew what she meant, and I just wept, i wanted her pain to go away. And in that moment I realized that any moment could be her last, and I became fearful. I didnt want to leave her side but I was scared if the time came that I would be the one holding her hand, I didnt think my heart could handle that. So Marcus and i sat by her bedside just being with her. I have never had a feeling like that. While we were sitting there the girls would come and go. Kaylee was very concerned by my emotional state. She was hugging me, bringing me tissues, and rubbing my back. She spoke so softly and you could see the compassion pouring from her eyes. Then she turned to me and asked "can I hold great grandma's hand too?"

And she did, she sat there and rubbed her hand and talked to her. Grandma would open her eyes and look at her too. Kaylee grew up a LOT this past weekend. She showed wisdom and compassion well beyond her years. I would sit and watch her as she tried to figure out what exaclty was happening. I tried to talk with her in the best way I knew how. And she knew, she knew that something wasnt right, she knew that I needed her to behave, she knew that I needed to grieve, she knew that I needed to spend that time with my grandma even if it meant that I didnt pay much (if any) attention to her. And i am so thankful for my big girl, and I hope that one day she will understand what happened and how happy she made her mommy in a time of sadness.  Then when Ainslee said "mommy that's not the same great grandma." That was the final straw for me. I had to leave the room for a few minutes to regroup myself.

I cant even begin to document all that went on this weekend, but I hope that those memories live in my heart until the day I go to meet my grandma again. There are so many memories that have come flooding back in the days since her death and through my tears I have tried to share these memories with the girls, who sit there staring at me while I tell my stories. What I remember most are the Easter breaks we spent at her house, hiding/hunting eggs in her yard. I remember at Christmas time I would always put on a performance singing Away in a Manger and actually when I visited grandma in the hospital for her birthday she recalled such memories and actually sang the song to me! I remember playing pool on her bumper pool table in her basement as well as putting giant 1000 piece puzzles together down there. The kind that whoever was visiting would just help assemble and it took months of visitors to complete. I remember her telling me the story of her reading a book about electricity and then completely wiring her entire attic of her house (and finishing it) because they needed more bedrooms.  I remember the smell of her hosue, I remember exactly what it looked like, I remember thinking how in the world did she raise 5 children in such a small house with only ONE bathroom! I remember watching her care for my grandpa for YEARS when he was bedridden. She did it all by herself! I remember her bird "Buddy" she would let him fly around the house, and he could talk and I remember him saying "Damn it!" because my grandpa would always say that.  I remember Thanksgiving meals at my grandma's table, we put ALL the leaves in to make it extra long, and it stuck out into the living room. We would all sit around and eat and talk and enjoy each other's company. Only now is when I realize how special these times were.  I remember recieving a Cardnial's baseball schedule in the mail along with a little letter from her EVERY Spring. I am going to miss those letters from her! I remember that the last trip she took was to attend our wedding. I felt special knowing how much effort went in to having her attend our special day. I remember the nights I got to spend at her house, i remember her always having my favorite foods waiting for me. These are just a handful of the memories that I hold deep deep in my heart.

My grandmother was a wife, mother, grandmother, great grandmother, sister, aunt, great aunt, cousin, neighbor, and friend to many. She left behind all 5 of her children, 10 grandchildren, and 12 great grandchildren and went to join her beloved husband after being separated for 20 years.

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Here are some pictures of our family at past family reunions. Oooh how she will be missed dearly at them, especially this year!

 This is my grandmother with her 5 children

notice the big "grizzly adam" looking one in the back?

He was one of the 1st to greet the girls and I when we went to visit grandma this weekend. I just knew Ainslee would be terrified of him, like she is of all my friends husbands. But to my surprise she went right with him from the very first moment she met him. She even sang and danced for him, and didnt show any signs of shyness. It blew my mind away how comfortable she was with all of my uncles!

Here is my grandma meeting each of my girls for the 1st time....

March 2007 - Kaylee

Summer 2007 - Kaylee at family reunion (2nd meeting)

Summer 2009 - Ainslee

Please ignore my naked baby, it was HOT! And the black eye on Kaylee was from running into a 2nd cousin while playing. This picture makes me look like a horrible mom!

February 2012 - Brynlee

Here is my Dad with his beloved mother

Me and grandma



My mom, sister, Aunt, grandma, me, and Kaylee

Grandma's apartment March 2009

Like my mom said

"she taught us how to live"

and I am a better person because of her!