Helpless
I feel like I am drowning. I feel like no matter how much I do I'm never above water (with everything, school, housework, everything). I feel like I've been stretched so thin I'm about to break.
And then it happened, my perfect little "easy" baby, while still perfect, has developed a problem that has truly broken me. She has reflux it started out of the blue, it came on mildly, the symptoms and severity built up over a couple of days. But it is real now and it is REALLY bad. I can't nurse her when she wants to eat because of how much pain she is in. She screams (and I mean screams like I'm chopping her head off very slowly and using the most painful method ever to do so) she screams when I hold her and when I don't hold her. She screams when I touch her, when she is hungry but can't eat because of the pain, and she screams cause she is tired but can't sleep. I thought I was strong I thought I could deal with it, that maybe SOMETHING I did would help my poor baby. But nothing worked and I became weaker and weaker until I broke! All my emotions came out and we both just sat there and cried helplessly. She cried out in pain while I cried out because I couldn't help her I couldn't stop her pain I wanted to lean on someone, I wanted someone there to help me to take her for just a few minutes so I could regroup myself, I wanted someone to tell me I was doing all I could do for her, I wanted someone to reassure me, but there was no one. The big girls were in bed and marcus was in class and at work. Brynlee depends on me to feed and protect her and I failed and am still failing miserably. I can't do either and that hurts me! And now we were both sitting there upset in a world of hurt!
How do you mommas out there do it? How do you deal with the inconsolable baby as well as the bigger kids? How do you work in your school and household responsibilities when there aren't enough hours in the day? How do you cope with the lack of sleep or lack of "good" sleep? I need help! I'm drowning here and need to figure something out. Any advise or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
And as I sit here and type this I realize that I should start by being more thankful. I should be thankful it is JUST reflux (there are 100 million worse things she could suffer from), I should be thankful for an otherwise healthy baby, thankful for 2 big sisters who try to help, are healthy and excellent sleepers/eaters, thankful for the opportunity to homeschool, thankful my husband has a job and supports us, thankful we have food to put on the table, thankful we have clothes to wear, thankful I get ANY sleep, and thankful that I have a beautiful baby that is all mine! I should count my blessings instead of always worrying about the other things. And I need to remember what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger! And stronger is what I have become!
8 comments:
Don't forget about your mom,dad, sister and friends that help too! You will get through this! A LITTLE advice- I would Much rather have my hands full than EMPTY! Embrace the suck and enjoy it for before you know it they will be gone! I am always here if you need someone to talk to!
You are tired and your body is readjusting. Be patient with yourself. My only advice is to take care of baby and Mommy first. Enlist help for big girls if you can. Or have a talk with big girls and let them know baby needs some extra attentnion for a bit. Some extra t.v. or extra playtime in their rooms won't hurt them for a bit:) Anytime I can help let me know. I'd be happy to come get the girls and take them for a few hours. You must ask for help or you will not be able to get it back together:) the overwhelming feeling that so many are dependent on you can be crushing. Take people's offer to help! Just until you get caught up on sleep or baby needs, etc. Praying for you all!
I am no help because I only have one, but my one does have an eye patch so I say he is at least 1 1/2...
1. Don't be thankful about the reflux. Be frustrated. It could be worse, but it could be better. That sounds negative, I know. I spent so much time stressing about being stressed because I should be appreciative that it could be worse until I realized it's OK to be frustrated. And, better to just be frustrated than frustrated and stressed about being frustrated.
2. Focus on what you did do today instead of what you didn't do. You fed 3 girls multiple meals, you gave hugs, you possibly went to the bathroom once or maybe even twice, you breathed all day, you gave your kids the BEST thing EVER-sisters. Even when it all sucks, you have to remember that you made sure everything will always be ok for them. They have each other. I know that doesn't help right now, but remember they won't know all of this that is going on, they will know you gave them each other.
3. Punch anyone in the face who tells you to "Enjoy it." You are not enjoying it and that is NORMAL!!!! People with momnesia are no help. You love, love those babies, but you are TIRED, OVERWHELMED and EXHAUSTED! That is not enjoyable.
So, let yourself be frustrated and punch people. It will help.
And, I don't live there, but if I did, I would just show up at your house to help! ATTENTION: people who live close to her, SHOW UP AT HER HOUSE WITH FOOD AND ENERGY TO PLAY WITH HER GIRLS! Don't "offer" because that doesn't help, just SHOW UP!!
Forget homeschooling for a while. Just let them play. If you think they need to make it up, then don't take the snow days, teacher in-service days or spring break days.... My children are all grown and that saying about how you wished you spent more time loving and rocking, then worrying about cob webs is true. Just enjoy them and take care of that little baby.
My sister stole my comments. :)
First, I am SO sad and wish I could help. I am so sad for you.
I only have one also and cannot imagine how much harder three is! I will say, though, lily was an AWFUL baby (remember that one time at your house? That was a good day. She was inconsolable for basically 5 months, and now, at 2 1/2 never naps and only sleeps about 9 hours a night. I am not trying to turn this around on me, I promise. :) I am just trying to explain that I 100 percent understand what it is to be so frustrated and feel so helpless. The BEST thing I did when lily was just literally crying for 5 months and never sleeping was just to accept that this was not enjoyable and quit trying to enjoy it.... I just had massive guilt on top of it all. So, be pissed off! Be miserable. It sucks! You do have 3 beautiful, fun precious girls.... And you will enjoy the, plenty in 3 months or so. This is not forever. This is a phase, and you have to enter survival mode. Survival is your priority for now and you can make up the schooling later. Let your house be messy for one month- don't fold the clothes and just let them sit in baskets and get out clothes as you need them. I am serious. It is not forever, so it is fine. I literally had to get out a calendar and put stars on dates: 2 weeks from now, one month from now, etc... It was easier to focus on survival when I broke it into chunks like that and just had to make it two more weeks at a time. Plus, usually, two weeks had brought a tiny change for the better and I was able to see that Inge were slowly getting better.
Lily is still super intense and a terrible sleeper, and I sometimes still have to remind myself that "this is just a phase." or remind myself that it is okay to be miserable. It really is okay. You have 3 young kids! And you are a mega involved SUPER MOM! It is OKAY to not just see the good. Of course your girls are the best and you love them so much, but quit using precious energy to feel bad about being tired and miserable.
I also like the advice from the mom before... Take a little homeschool break. It is FINE. Even like 2 weeks of being a little more chill would help so much. You can make up for it later! They are still so young, you can EASILY get caught up later and it will take pressure off of you. Let the dishes sit, let the clothes sit, pause home schooling, and click on the survival mode switch.
I hope this comment makes sense! I just am worried... Hang in there!! You are amazing and your girls get so much love, learning, and attention from you! It is fine to take a break and be on autopilot and do ONLY what is necessary for survival. Nothing extra. Survival.
Hang in there!!!!
Nicole
Also, what my sister said is SO true. They are the luckiest girls in the world to have sisters!!!!!
michele!! i just read this. i am so sorry you r having a hard time. you are welcome to drop kaylee and ainslee off over here sometime. let me know if i can give you a break! praying for your sanity...
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